vegan horse tail hair

It has recently come to my attention that I may be allergic to my hair products. Perhaps it was a day of constantly wanting to scream and scalp myself that tipped me off. Or maybe it was my doctor, who suggested I stay on my allergy medicine and see if that helps. It did.


So I decided I should find hair products that don’t offend my delicate scalp. I was discussing hair concerns with my friend Kate, who is beautiful and therefore an expert in beautifulness, and she suggested shampoo from the health food store that didn’t have something in the ingredients. I don’t remember what the “something” was, but I assume any shampoo at the health food store would be absent it.

This weekend I found myself in the health food store buying expensive vitamins and other natural crap with a friend, so I looked at some health food shampoo while we were there. From what I could tell there were two kinds – the no-smell kind, and the scented kind (scented, of course, with natural stuff), which cost a dollar more. My friend Mary Beth, who is also beautiful, and girly, therefore being an expert in beautifulness and girl-ness, recommended the scented kind because it’s worth the extra dollar to smell nice.

I’m so glad I have friends who keep me on the right path. Otherwise, I’d still be scratching my scalp off and screaming, while also not smelling like chamomile.

Anyway, I bring home my new nature shampoo and conditioner and it’s delightful. After I have clean, chamomile-smelling hair and a calm scalp, I decide to look closely at the ingredients to see what exactly is in this magic no-itch hair care. I first see that it’s VEGAN, which I guess is important if your hair is not a meat-eater. And the rest of the ingredients are something like this:

Chamomile, natural stuff, HOPS, organic natural stuff, HORSE TAIL, other stuff

And then I thought: I JUST WASHED MY HAIR WITH VEGAN HORSES’ ASS SHAMPOO.

And it’s totally ok if I say “ass” because ass is in the Bible. Though I’m not sure it’s on the approved list of Christian swear words.

And HOPS? That’s the stuff that’s in BEER. I know this because we brew beer. Lots of it. Ok, maybe just two batches. SO FAR.

And really my husband does the brewing, not me. But I support the habit and like telling people about it. He can make ginger ale too, but that’s not nearly as cool to talk about.

OK, true confessions here: not only do I wash my hair with beer flavored vegan horses’ ass shampoo, but we love Jesus and we make beer too.

The Ladies Room

I just went into the office ladies room and there were other women in there. I wanted to do the requisite stall check – you know, where you scan all the pots to find a clean one to pee in. But now, with an audience, I was torn.

And aware of being watched.

I thought, "Someone in here may have just came out of this one. If I reject it, will she think that I think she has cooties?"

Or maybe she'll think I'm just OCD.

But I don't want a yucky stall.

In the end, I just brazenly busted in to the middle stall with an “I-don’t-even-care-if-it-smells-or-there’s-pee-or-pubic-hair-on-the-seat-because-I’m-in-an-important-hurry-and-definitely-not-OCD” flourish.


Then I quickly locked the door, wiped the seat down with toilet paper and covered it with a seat cover.

And held my breath, just in case.